Being Held by the Grace of a Horse

Let’s talk about being held….

Composure; the state or feeling of being calm and in control of oneself. Composure is holding to tension….

Liberty; letting go of composure….

 It is spring and I am in a rental car making my way to a serene little country spot for a weekend workshop of exploring myself with horses. A course being hosted by a beautiful human and her team of horses. I am taking the first step towards exploring my dream of working with and for horses through the lens of connection. 

This weekend was planned months ago in the dark days of winter in northern Yukon. I wanted to be excited and curious, grateful and …. instead, I found a deep sense of anxiety and stress in my belly. I carried a sense of apprehension and foreboding doom, what might be coming or worse what might already be. I was a supervisor of a large health centre and while the world was emerging from the previous 2 years of Covid and Vaccine, health care providers, nurses were so far gone. Burnout would not even begin to describe what they had been through; I am a nurse and have been nursing for 35 years. I have always prided myself of maintaining composure in the face of adversity. Who would have ever guessed that composure would become an armor that I couldn’t find an escape from. 

 I am a student of the horse. I have turned to horses over the years for support, for therapy and for joy. I have been lost and saved by a horse. I know what it is like to be held in the safety of a horse.  I believe in horses. 

Our human host guided us through an exercise with her herd of 4 horses, Meet the Horses. We were to find a place along the outer railing of their paddock and invite a horse to meet and connect with us. If a horse were to approach us, we were not to touch them. Just be present. I chose a spot that felt right for me. There were 4 horses in the little herd, 3 geldings and 1 mare. They had just finished eating and were standing in and around the shelter. 

 I closed my eyes, I choked back tears, in order to authentically connect I had to let go of my composure, open up and be free to experience what ever was coming. “Come to me, I invite you to connect with me”. I had a wave of anxiety as I opened myself up, I had been composed for many months and through many tough times where composure was my friend, now it held me hostage. I am tough customer and experience has moulded my resolve. I don’t suffer fools; I also keep it together. 

I stood for awhile, a few minutes. Slowly, I became aware of birds, the sound of the wind through the leaves in the trees, the air felt cool. Then I became aware of a pull or pressure in my stomach, not anxiety, a presence perhaps?? Hard to put into words. 

I opened my eyes, there among the 3 horse bums facing me, was a sweet little mare. Her ears were up and she was staring right at me, it felt like she was staring into me……

Hello I say, Hello says she……it wasn’t a surprise that a mare would offer to connect with me. 

I close my eyes again…the energy around me starts to change and after just a few minutes, when I open my eyes again she is standing 6” away from me, her nose pointed directly at my belly. The place of so much tension and pain. We stood together for several minutes, she held me in her energy, and touched a spot that had been wrapped tightly. For the first time in a long time I felt a wave of peace pass through me, like everything was going to be ok, I would be ok. The little mare moved on. 

I completed the workshop, there were many great things about the workshop, that is to be shared in another story.

Two weeks after going home and connecting with my own horses, I left my job for an undetermined time in order to heal from the trauma of managing during the pandemic world. 

Today, 4 months later, I have continued to be held in the energy of a horse that I am so fortunate to call a friend. I am no longer composed instead I am open and free. My plan is to return to my nursing work and finish that chapter in my life as myself as I see me not as others expect of me. Authentic me. 

Thankyou to this sweet little mare, letting me see and feel her, she opened me up to myself and held me safely and in those few brief moments she allowed me a reprieve, to find my breath and peace. 

Joie McBryan 

Whitehorse Yukon